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May 12, 2002
Woke up to my cell phone ringing at
precisely 3:12am. Confused and thinking that I accidentally set the
alarm, I answered the alarm clock. No one answered back and I realized
that it would be more helpful to answer the phone. It was Bob and he
was wired and tired from the long journey. The Cruisemaster was a mere
five minutes away from us and safe and sound! He regaled me with
stories of the torturous journey….the weather was HELLISH all the way.
Unfortunately, Bob followed the big storm front from Oregon to Ohio.
Literally. And the windshield wipers gave out midway, but he thought
that if he stopped to get them fixed, it could possibly take an extra
day to get home and he wanted to get home. During a particularly
grueling rain blinding stretch, a trucker honked at him to pull over
to tell him that he blew a tire. He had heard a huge scary sound but
didn’t think it was a tire since it was taking everything in his power
to keep the RV on the road anyway. He was forced to call a repair guy
in to change the tire and luckily, there was a spare to spare. I asked
him if he was still speaking to me and he laughed and said yes. He
told me he thought the RV journey would be an adventure, (which it
was) and that it’s all going in his book someday. Sadly, it was a
stressful adventure. We agreed to meet the next morning and I went
back to sleep feeling unbelievably relieved and unbelievably grateful
to Bob for being such a cool truck driving man!
Woke up to Glenn extolling the virtues of the hotel’s "delicious
breakfast." Sometimes being with Glenn in the morning is like
Groundhog’s Day! Thankfully, he left the room and I snuggled back
under the covers. Glenn returned not five minutes later with Pete who
joined him in an ad-lib "get the hell up and come to breakfast" song.
Jeff and Gill then came to visit and it was a grumpy party in my room.
Gill did the right thing and crawled into bed with me while Pete and
Glenn were chatting non-stop and dancing. Unscrubbed, we all mustered
up some energy to go down to breakfast. Chicks at one table
complaining about how annoying two members of our party were and dudes
at the other….chatting non-stop. With the exception of a very quiet,
polite Jeff. Now I know why Jeff and Gill have been married for so
long. Jeff knows how to behave that early in the morning!
After breakfast (which wasn’t so delicious), we all scrubbed up and
packed the minivan. Unfortunately, a mild, torrential downpour started
up jiffy quick, soaking all of us. I’m glad I decided to forego drying
my hair. As each of us took turns dashing out to the van with a bag
and then dashing back for another, a trucker stopped to chat with us.
He was accompanied by his very precious dog named Rusty who was very
excited by all of our activity. Rusty was half Beagle and half Golden
Retriever, which makes the most adorable doggie combo imaginable.
Rusty was full of love for all of us and the trucker told me fun Rusty
stories. He called the dog his ‘son’ and says that he travels with him
wherever he goes. Sometimes at truck stops, he lets Rusty out first
and trusts him enough not to run away. Rusty usually goes out and
makes friends. I felt a bit bad since I had seen the trucker earlier
in the hallway and thought that he could easily be a serial killer. He
had tanned, leathery skin, dirty jeans and a baseball hat. His build
was scrawny and you could tell he was a real hardened guy who has
dedicated his life to the road. The twang in his accent brought to
mind a scene from Deliverance. However, as I sheltered from the rain,
we started chatting about Rusty in the doorway and it was clear that
he was just a cool trucker. I felt slightly proud when I could
actually talk some highway talk with him. After all, I had traveled
through square states and ended up in Dayton!
Thankfully, the rain stopped and we made our way over to Bob’s house
to be reunited with the RV. Since it is a few yards away from my
Granny’s, I phoned her to ask if she minded us parking in her driveway
and sorting out the RV. She said she didn’t mind and I wondered if her
84 year old self could handle the Glenn vortex. As I drove around
Bob’s house, Glenn was like a kid waiting to catch a glimpse of his
beloved RV. Glory lay ahead….yonder past the tree….the back of the
Cruisemaster was visible and as we pulled into the driveway, she was
standing loud and proud right next to us. I had mixed emotions. On one
hand, I remember the glory days…cue montage with soft lighting as ‘The
Way We Were’ plays….the day Glenn and Zan picked out the Cruisemaster,
the deal coming through and telling Glenn that he was now a proud RV-er,
decorating the RV with Xmas lights, driving all day and then arriving
at the camp site, all four of us drinking red wine and watching a
DVD, watching the meteor shower in South Carolina from my RV bed,
Glenn playing the guitar in the dark while Hans drove…sigh….them were
the days. On the other hand, I remember sitting in the back of the RV
on my own on a rainy day in Portland with poor Fred the mechanic
underneath the front wheel. Shake it off, Amy! Back to the montage
please.
Bob came out to greet us, slightly weary but cheerful nonetheless. I
haven’t seen Bob in a million years and he looks exactly the same. I
gave him a big hug and just thanked him profusely. I introduced him to
Glenn and Suzanne who were so grateful that the RV was delivered to
them safe and sound, they seemed ready to touch the hem of Bob’s
garment. After about two seconds of bonding with Bob, Glenn
disappeared to be reunited with the Cruisemaster. He boyishly showed
his pals the vehicle of his dreams (well, when it works it's the
vehicle of his dreams) and everyone got the grand tour. Suzanne and I
went inside with Bob to sort out his receipts for expenses and such
and I began to tell Suzanne the story of how I knew Bob. I told Zan
that I knew Bob’s sisters Carrie and that I knew Bob’s sister Amy and
before I could continue with the family tree, Bob interjected, "And
she slept with my brother Jake." STOP IT RIGHT THERE MISTER. Cue
shock, horror and adamant denials. Bob started laughing and refused to
believe me as I was telling everyone within a five mile radius that I
did NOT sleep with Jake and to take it a step further, I never even
kissed him (with or without the tongues!). So let it be known I did
not do the deed with any member of Bob’s family. I did, however, take
Jake to my junior prom where we dined on the finest of meals at my
Granny’s country club, prommed the night away, went to my house to
watch movies until the wee hours and then I took him on his paper
route in the morning. That’s just the kind of cool party chick that I
was in high school.
We said our goodbyes and I begged Bob to write a little diary entry on
his experiences behind the wheel of the beast. He promised he would
(but I haven’t seen it yet) and he showed me the most hilarious
digital photo of him-taken whilst on the road. The self timed photo
showcased the steely look of determination and grit that it took for
him to deliver the RV across the country. That look could also pass
for insanity but I think the Cruisemaster lends itself to such
feelings quite easily. Still waiting for Bob’s picture and you can bet
that it will be posted the second it arrives.
We drove the very short distance over to my Granny’s and the vortex
commenced! While the troops were unloading the van and loading up the
Cruisemaster, I took the laundry into the house. I knew it was going
to take a while to sort the RV out, so we washed the sheets, blankets
and towels in the RV along with everyone’s bits and bobs. Granny was
fantastic and helpful and I felt bad for imposing but she was such a
sport, it filled my heart with joy and love. I put a load in the wash
and told her that we were going to go to the grocery store to stock up
the fridge and that we’d be back in an hour. I told her not to put the
stuff in the dryer since she’s 84 but she told me not to be silly,
she’d take care of it.
Took the gang to the local grocery store where a very confused Jeff
proceeded to circle the aisles in a perplexing fashion. I don’t think
he’d ever been in an American grocery store (the big honkin’ kind) and
he was a bit in awe. He was adorable and asked me to help him pick out
a box of cereal. "Amy, I just want one with flakes and raisins." Bless
him. Wait a minute…I’m sensing a theme here…Jeff being confused…hmmmmm…I
shall withhold judgement. Zan was adorable as well picking out a can
of parmesan cheese. You know the kind-the faux cheese in a green can
by a certain company that also makes neon orange macaroni and cheese
for 29 cents…..I promptly told her that her choice of cheese in a can
was the wrong one and advised her to buy the real fresh stuff. Glenn
and Suzanne bought some flowers for my Granny since it was Mother’s
Day and I got a card that all of us could sign. The English folk were
dumbfounded over the fact that they couldn’t get hard liquor for the
RV mixed drinks party they had planned, but I had to explain the
Sunday liquor laws of Ohio. Meaning, you can’t get none where we were.
Glenn and I chatted while the groceries were being packed and I just
looked at him with a frown-y face….they were leaving me shortly! Sniff
sniff.
As we unloaded the groceries from the car, Doug pulled up to see the
gang off and to retrieve his car that I had been driving. Doug and I
were convoying it back to Chicago together. He had his car and I was
driving the gigantic van in order to return it to the airport in
Chicago before I fly back to LA. I went to get the laundry from Granny
and as I entered the house, there she was fanning herself in front of
the tv. Oh my god, I thought. I’m killing Granny with Glenn’s laundry.
She assured me that she was just a little hot from going up and down
the steps. As Granny sorted out the sheets and towels, she handed me
Zan and Gill’s thong underwear and said, "This is
funny! I don’t know why they bother wearing anything at all. How do
you fold something like that?!" I had to laugh since I think it was
Granny’s first experience with thongs. And it was probably her last as
well, come to think of it. Sheets done, blankets in the dryer and a
few shirts hanging, I went back out to the RV to help. The whole gang
signed the card and I took the flowers into Granny. I got the card and
said to her, "I want to see what they wrote." And she said, "Good.
Maybe you can tell me too." Gill and Zan wrote something like "Thanks
for washing our smalls!" and Glenn wrote, "Will you be my US granny
too?"…Granny was clearly pleased and I thanked her again. She said,
"Don’t mention it kid. I’m getting a kick out of your friends! It’s
fun!" What a sweetie!
Glenn asked Doug to come aboard the Cruisemaster and Doug shot me a
look that said, "How did you ever live in such a tiny space with them
and do a movie?" I nodded in understanding and as Doug climbed down
the RV stairs, he practically twisted his ankle. Glenn said that
everyone needs some sort of foot injury on this tour and little did we
know that Suzanne would be the next victim. (she later sprained her
ankle in NYC!) Glenn, Fred and I are proud yet unwilling members of
the Hopalong Club this time out and I’m wondering if the RV is through
with its ‘curse’. I hope so. Granny suggested I cut some lilacs from
the bushes in the backyard for the RV, so while I went to town with
the scissors, Doug got on the make and do project of constructing
vases out of water bottles and Gill and Jeff chewed the fat with
Granny. (charming her all the while. Gill said to her, "I bet my
knickers are going to be the talk of the beauty salon next week
Granny." Granny was laughing so hard at their kooky English ways, I
saw her wiping tears from her eyes.) Jeff and I had a
zipping-up-of-sleeping-bags contest, which he won (only because I let
him) and I hit my head on the pull down bed over the driver’s seat
just for old time’s sake. When we shot the movie, I hit my head a
record five times in one day, Glenn hit his head two or three times
and Zan and Hans remained bump free. I giggled over the memory of
Glenn turning to me after we had both come back from the shower and
said, "How is the bump on your head?" since I had just realized how
HUGE and tender the bump was when I washed my hair. I have no excuses
of red wine excess, either; I just always hit my head on the damn
thing. Duh.
The lilacs smelled delicious and I put some in the front and a bunch
in the back. Laundry was done, everything was put away in its rightful
place and Pete was having a beer in the front seat. I think he felt it
was his duty to start the party early and I couldn’t help but feel a
little pang of jealousy over the fact that I wasn’t going to be able
to go with them the rest of the way, especially since they were all
headed to Buffalo Bill’s. Bill had many fun things in store for them
and I wish I could be there! I was also slightly bitter over having to
drive the five hour journey back to Chicago on only a few hours sleep.
Glenn gave me a card saying, "Someone left this for you." I didn’t
open it since I didn’t want to get mushy but I was really touched. I
took the whole gang into the house for last minute bathroom stops. I
said, "Glenn, you go upstairs. Jeff, you go to the one downstairs."
Granny laughed and said, "Wow..look at her giving orders!". Glenn made
a snappy comment back saying "She’s good at that!" Guilty as charged.
I boss because I love.
I must say it was a bit strange to see Glenn rapping with my Granny in
the house that I have known all of my life. It’s always a bit weird
when someone in your professional life crosses over to your personal
life. In the past, I would always see Glenn in his environment: at a
gig or backstage or something and it always seems funny to me when
he’s in my house in LA or in my Granny’s house in Dayton! Very
strange. But good strange. Granny got hugs from everyone and then I
gave everyone a big hug goodbye and waved them off as I got in the
van. Doug was behind me in his car and we drove away. I got the card
out at the first stoplight and got a little teary reading it…they all
thanked me for everything and were just unbelievably sweet. "Bless
them" I thought and then looked in my rearview mirror to see the RV.
No sooner had I clocked them then the phone rang. It was Glenn. "Do
you miss me already? Why are you following me to Chicago?" I laughed.
They were
unsure of how to get back to the highway and so they just followed me.
DUH. As I went left, I told them to go right since we wanted different
highways and I yelled goodbye to them as they passed me. I miss them
already!
Doug and I decided to stop for lunch at Frisch’s Big Boy, one of our
favorite Dayton only eateries and after eating a Big Boy (with a
special sauce that I want to bathe in, it eats so good), I was ready
to nap. I was so drained I did not think there was any way in hell I
could make the journey to Chicago. Doug and I got on the highway, I
hit cruise control, put the heat on (a lethal combination) and
struggled to maintain eyelid control. Mother Nature took care of
quickly waking my ass up with the most evil, dangerous thunderstorm
I’ve ever driven in. I literally could not see in front of me and it
just came out of nowhere. I can’t even imagine what poor Bob went
through when he drove the RV in weather this bad. I called Doug on my
cell phone and said, "What is up with this CRAZY rain?" He said that
we would have to pull over and wait it out, which was music to my ears
since I thought I’d have a wee nap. Unfortunately, the rain stopped
just as I envisioned zzzz’s coming out of the top of the van.
Fortunately, it stopped because it would’ve been dangerous to
continue. I found a groovy public radio station featuring an old
Atlantic Blues artist (I think it was Chuck Willis) which kept me in
good spirits the rest of the way.
Arrived safely at Mom’s and Doug and I snacked and chatted and relayed
the whole Dayton saga to her. I couldn’t stay awake a moment longer at
this point so collapsed into bed. I was supposed to see Jake, Bob’s
brother the next day since he was in town which was going to fun. I
couldn’t wait to tell him all the stuff that happened on tour. I was
only out on the road for two weeks but it seemed like a year. It was
tiring but I also never laughed so much in my life. I think I’m
turning into a road dog. Is the road my lady? Fell asleep wondering if
the RV made it out of Ohio.
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